alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.