what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
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Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
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Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.