i permit you to call me
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.