No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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