my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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