I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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