Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
