I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
