Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
