why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
