pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Green mimosas i think yes
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
