life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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