i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
