I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
