I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
