why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
