Im at strip club and am horny
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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