Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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