for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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