She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
