When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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