Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have fence marks all over my body
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
