i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
