I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
