i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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