hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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