When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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