So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
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becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
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I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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