This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Your penis caused this!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
