I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
