WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
