i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
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i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
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Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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