please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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