Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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