I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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