So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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