i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
