He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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