He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
