throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
