I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
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Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
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Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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