Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
