I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
