Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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