Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
