Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize