I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
