I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
