i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
