Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
