Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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