I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
