Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
