Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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