I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
