So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
