Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
