hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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