My hand turned me down
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
