I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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