i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
