How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
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the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
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Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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