just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
