bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
